13 Reasons Why…

Last night I finally finished the Netflix original series of 13 Reasons Why and oh. my. god. It is by far one of the best series I have ever watched.

I think I may have jumped on the bandwagon a little as I saw a lot of people on social media were highly rating it but now I can see why.

It’s such a powerful, emotional and engaging series that truly makes you stop and think ‘shit, people are actually going through this battle everyday’ and it really is heart breaking. But then it also makes you think, why should it take for a Netflix series to go viral for people to actually realise what a cruel world we live in and how horrible the human race can be.

So as I was sat on my sofa, balling my eyes out it actually got me thinking about how serious mental health is. And so, it led me to want to share the experience that I endured with a small spout of depression and anxiety.

First of all, I just want to mention that I never sought medical help because at the time I didn’t fully understand what was going on in my head so I didn’t want to go to a doctor claiming that I might be depressed when so many other people suffer far worse than me – I kinda didn’t want it to look like I was just claiming something that seemed like the easiest explanation. If that makes sense?

My spell of mental health issues was all down to my tiny little contraception pill, Zaletta.

Originally I was always on Microginon since I was 16 but had to change it as I was having constant headaches, and after having my eyes tested (and finding out I didn’t need glasses in the first place), the only other explanation was my pill.

Obviously when you try a new form of contraception it takes about 3 months for it to get into your system and it must have been months 3-4 that my family started to notice more how down I had become.

It wasn’t until I hit what felt like absolute rock bottom that I realised how bad it had got.

There would be times where I would argue with my boyfriend to the point I felt like I was going to explode and half of the time I didn’t even know what we were arguing about. It got so bad that one argument happened at my parents house and honestly, I was that much of a bitch I honestly thought our relationship was about to end. I had stormed out of the house crying it was so bad.

Another argument had gotten way out of hand because I had ended up missing my dentist appointment (because I dropped him off in town for a day sesh with his mates and I got stuck in traffic) which resulted in my name being taken off the books. Anyway, escalate to like 6 hours later and I was that angry I had stormed out of the house, got in my car and drove to my mums crying my eyes out. Along the way, driving down the country lanes, I passed a car that had come off the road and ended up in a field. My head was that messed up I actually had wished that it had been me in that ditch.

That’s when I knew I had to talk to somebody.

I was so low that I actually felt empty.

I felt like I was constantly on edge and I had real bad anxiety worrying about money, whether we were going to be able to afford our bills, wondering what else I could do to earn a bit more money now that my boyfriend was having to pay child maintenance for his little girl. Honestly, it was horrible and I genuinely don’t know how my boyfriend put up with me.

I’m quite the bottler. I bottle up my thoughts and feelings until there is no more room and I have to let it all out.

This was the point where I just had to lay it all down to my mum and boyfriend and tell them exactly what was going on in my head. Telling my mum that I had wished I was in a ditch was hard, really hard, and I know it broke her heart hearing me say it. But it’s what I needed to do and it was her who told me that I needed to come off my pill and give my body a break.

I just wasn’t enjoying life how I used to. I spent the first 4 months of moving into our first home hating it, worrying about money and at times resenting myself and my boyfriend.

My mum made me promise that if I hadn’t got any better within a month of coming off my pill that I would go to the doctor. Luckily it didn’t come to that and it was just down to my pill.

Fast forward to now, I’m in such a better place. I’m happier in myself, I’m doing better in my job and I am absolutely loving renovating my home along side my absolute rock.

Looking back on those 4-5 months, I honestly wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. It is so important to look after your mental health as it ultimately has a knock-on effect on your physical health.

There is still an awful stigma around mental health and even in this day in age people still feel judged for speaking out loud and quite frankly, it needs to stop.

Never be ashamed of what you’re going through and never feel like you have to bottle all your feelings up, trust me, that’s the worst thing you can do. Before I used to just say things as they came out of my mouth in a really arsey tone or not say anything at all. Now, I’ve learnt to get things off my chest straight away but think before I speak and try to say it calmly.

Or, if you feel like you can’t talk to someone in person, write it down. I have a few drafts on here where I have just had to write exactly how I feel because I’ve felt like if I was to say it to the persons face it would either come out wrong, or hurt their feelings and surprisingly, it lifted a weight off.

I’m currently debating whether to hit the publish button on this as other than my boyfriend and parents I’ve not told anyone how messed up my head was a couple of months ago. But, if you’re reading this, I guess I grew a pair.